I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Randomize
