i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Randomize
