My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
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