my phone needs a breathalizer
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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