Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
Randomize
