11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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