I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
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