So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
