I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Randomize
