I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
