Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Randomize
