i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
