You don't have asthma, your pregnant
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Randomize
