Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
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