I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
