OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Randomize
