You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
