You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Randomize
