I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
I smell like Dick and happiness
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