went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
