Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Randomize
