Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
