It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
