4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
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