He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
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Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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