Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Randomize
