highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
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