I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
Randomize
