its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Randomize
