i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
