You smell like a Billy Joel song
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
