help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
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