the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
Randomize
