Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
How many fucks given?
0.12846
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
