Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
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