So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Randomize
