You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
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