Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
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she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
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Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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