How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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