just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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