did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Randomize
