If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
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No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
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Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize