Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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