I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
