I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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