my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize