btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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