I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Randomize