We're like a lot better than the average bears
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
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Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
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She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS