We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
