I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
