You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
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