I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
