I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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