Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
You may now shotgun with the bride
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
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