I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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