i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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