I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
Randomize
