He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
